THE SOUND OF ONE HEART BREAKING

Karen Kunawicz

What is the sound of one heart breaking?
It is the sound of someone curled up in a tiny ball crying softly in the night,
the sound of the first unwanted teardrop touching your skin,
it's the sound of a telephone that doesn't ring,
the sound of regret pounding inside your brain with every heartbeat,
it's the whispers of the toy animals he gave you.

It's the shuffling of feet walking away from you,
the sound of your soul shattering into a million pieces
at recognizing the word "goodbye,"
it's the soundtrack of memories torturing you,
it's the sound of feeble hands trying to push back the obstinate hands of time,
it's the sound of cherub's dying breath,
the sound of all those years disappearing in the vortex of Cupid's kitchen sink,
it's the unrelenting, plaintive baby meows
of an abandoned kitten outside an ignoring door.

It's the sound of the rain that doesn't ever stop,
the sound of all the doors in the world
shutting and closing in your face at the same time,
of raging, howling storms in the night when there's no one there to hold you,
the sound of your voice as it screams back at you,
the echo of "I love you" burning holes in you,
the sound your heart makes as it tells you to lie still
because nothing you will ever do will matter without love.
The sound of the waves at the polluted beach you went to
as it moves from the shore and crashes inside your mind,
of the sniffles that make up your pathetic "SOS-to-the-world,"
the cracking of the brittle black-red petals from the sidewalk vendor roses he gave, the sound of the music he used to make going to your gut.
The sound of things in your room being thrown around and landing on the floor,
the caress of sharpened kitchen knives on skin,
the sound your throat makes as you swallow your saltiest tear.
It's the sound of your own voice calling out to someone who isn't there,
of winged creatures dying and falling on a city pavement,
of terms of endearment used a hundred times a day
struggling to crawl into a vacuum of forgetfulness,
it's the sound of your own sobs keeping you company,
it's the cold, uncaring stillness of the air you share your space with.

Destruction isn't always as noisy as bombs exploding.
Sometimes the ultimate catastrophes are as quiet
as feather falling on the floor of a Zen monastery.
No one else can really hear your heart breaking except you.

Don't grow old!

(Author Unknown)

Many people are afraid of growing old. I'm afraid of growing old and boring. Many people are afraid of growing old, alone. I'm afraid of growing old, insane. Many people are afraid of losing their looks. I'm afraid of losing my dreams. Many people are afraid of losing their youth. I'm afraid of losing my soul.

When you're 15, 35 seems ancient. When you're 35, 15 seems juvenile. A turnaround in a split second - two decades zoom past and before you know it, it's only a mile to the next millennium. Don't' fear age - it's a right of personhood. Don't fear death - it's God's greatest jest. Don't grow old - you don't have to.

Don't date because you're desperate. Don't marry because you're miserable. Don't have kids because you think your genes are superior. Don't separate because you think it's fashionable. Don't drink because you have troubles. Don't gamble because you think winning is inevitable. Don't philander because you think you're irresistible. Most likely, you're not.

Don't associate with people you can't trust. Don't cheat. Don't lie.

Don't pretend. Don't try to buy your way into the kingdom of God.

Don't dictate because you're smarter. Don't demand because you're stronger.

Don't sleep around because you think you're old enough and know better. Don't hurt your kids because loving them is harder.

Don't sell your self, your family or your ideals.

Don't stagnate.

Don't regress. Learn a new skill. Find a new friend. Start a new career. Don't live in the past. Time can't bring anything or anyone back. Don't put your life on hold for possibly Mr. Right.

Don't throw your life away on absolutely Mr. Wrong because your biological clock is ticking and you can't afford to have your eggs harvested before the new millennium.

There's always a mad rush to something, somewhere but victory does not always belong to those who finish first. Sometimes, there is no race to be won only a price to be paid for some of life's morehasty decisions. You can't always go with the throng who could be wrong. Sometimes, you have to be alone to be enlightened.

To terminate your loneliness, reach out to the homeless. To feed your nurturing instincts, care for the needy. To fulfill your parenting fantasies, get a puppy. Don't bring another life into this world for all the wrong reasons. To keep yourself warm, buy a jacket. In the long-run, it will be less complicated and less costly.

To make yourself happy, pursue your passions and be the best of what you can be.

Simplify your life. Take away the clutter. Get rid of destructive elements - abusive friends, nasty habits and dangerous liaisons.

Don't abandon your responsibilities but don't overdose on duty.

Don't live life recklessly without thought and feeling for your family. Be true to yourself. Don't commit when you're not ready.

Don't keep others waiting needlessly. Fall in love - it's the greatest thing on earth. But take care and remember, after the fall must come the rise.

Go on that trip. Don't postpone it. Say those words. Don't let the moment pass. Do what you must even at society's scorn.

Write poetry. Love deeply. W alk barefoot. Hold hands. Dance with wild abandon. Cry at the movies. Take care of yourself. Don't wait for someone to take care of you. You light up your life. You drive yourself to your destination. No one completes you - except you.

It is true that life doesn't get easier with age. It only gets more challenging. Don't be afraid. Don't lose your capacity to love.

Pursue your passions. Live your dreams. Don't lose faith in God.


Don't grow old. Just grow-up.

(Author Unknown)

I choose to love you in silence... For in silence I recieve no rejection

Nor should I bother of what it is that prevents us from being together - its just that we can never be together.

I choose to love you in loneliness... For in loneliness, no one owns you but I.

I choose to adore you from a distance... For distance will shield us from pain.

Still, I love you and I just can't help but do so...

I choose to kiss you in the wind For the wind is gentler than my lips

I choose to hold you in my dreams... For in my dreams, you have no end.

Forever.

That is what you are to me.

In all honesty, I find it hard to believe that I will ever love somebody the same way I loved you.

Thanks for the experience, I loved it while it lasted. I can't help but smile during those times that you threw me out of focus - those times that you made me panic as to what I could do just to appease your call.

Thanks for those times that you almost destroyed my sanity. I always knew it was done for anyway.

Thanks for all the phone calls, all the emails, and all the small things that you did. Without them, I may have not even been sure that I really loved you.

And most of all, thanks for being honest. Thank you for putting me back on track. You would be a constant reminder of a God's gift.

Maybe you were right:

Love is an attachment... to someone who'll never be yours.

Love is something we will never have... something we'll never experience

And I really meant my reply.

The sun maybe up, but the moon does not vanish. It may wane, yes, it may

even seem to fade. But one thing is certain. It remains in its sky...

I've learned....

(Author Unknown)

I've learned....
That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.

I've learned....
That when you're in love, it shows.

I've learned....
That just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day.

I've learned....
That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.

I've learned....
That being kind is more important than being right.

I've learned....
That you should never say "no" to a gift from a child.

I've learned....
That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.

I've learned....
That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

I've learned....
That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.

I've learned....
That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.

I've learned....
That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

I've learned....
That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.

I've learned....
That money doesn't buy class.

I've learned....
That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

I've learned...
That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.

I've learned....
That the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?

I've learned....
That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

I've learned....
That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.

I've learned....
That love, not time, heals all wounds.

I've learned....
That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.

I've learned....
That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

I've learned....
That there's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your babies and feeling their breath on your cheeks.

I've learned....
That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

I've learned....
That life is tough, but I'm tougher.

I've learned....
That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.

I've learned....
That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

I've learned....
That I wish I could have told my Dad that I love him one more time before he passed away.

I've learned....
That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

I've learned....
That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

I've learned....
That I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.

I've learned....
That when your newly born child holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.

I've learned....
That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

I've learned ...
That it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a life threatening situation.

I've learned....
That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

Prayer of St. Francis de Assisi

Lord,

Make me an instrument of your peace.

Where there is hatred. Let me bring love.

Where there is injury, pardon.

Where there is doubt, faith.

Where there is despair, hope.

Where there is darkness, light.

Where there is sadness, joy.

Where there is discord, harmony.

Where there is error, truth.

Where there is wrong, the spirit of forgiveness.

O Divine Master.

Grant that I may not so much seek

To be consoled as to console.

To be understood as to understand.

To be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned.

It is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

THE AWAKENING

(Author Unknown)

A time comes in your life when you finally get it... When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks, and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears, and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening.

You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter), and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you; and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance. You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are ... and that's OK (They are entitled to their own views and opinions). And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself; and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval. You stop bitching and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say, and that not everyone will always be there for you; and that it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own, and to take care of yourself; and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers ... and you begin to accept people as they are, and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties; and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness. You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. And
you begin to sift through all the crap you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, and how much you should weigh; what you should wear and where you should shop, and what you should drive; how and where you should live, and what you should do for a living; who you should sleep with, who you should marry, and what you should expect of a marriage; the importance of having and raising children, or what you owe your parents. You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.
You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with; and in the process you learn to go with your instincts.

You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing; and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix.

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life. You learn
that you don't know everything, it's not your job to save the world ... and that you can't teach a pig to sing.

You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility, and the importance of setting boundaries, and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry, and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving, and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name.

You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love...and you learn that you don't have the right to demand love on your terms ... just to make you happy. And, you learn that alone does not mean lonely. And you look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10, and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up." You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK.... and that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things that you want...and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.

You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect; and you won't settle for less. And, you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you to glorify you with his touch ... and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect. And you learn that your body really is your temple, and you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest.

And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play. You learn, that for the most part, in life you get what you believe you deserve ... and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for, and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it's OK to risk asking for help. You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time. FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it, and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.

You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve; and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It's just life happening. And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state - the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you, and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to building bridges instead of walls.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about; a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself; and you to make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever, settle for less than your heart's desire. And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart and with a higher power by your side you take a stand; you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.